My sheets look like a crime scene.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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