So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
