My hand turned me down
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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