i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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