i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
