I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
