Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize