There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
