just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
