my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
