This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
