Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
