Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Randomize
