Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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