i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
