I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
