I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
