i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
