The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
