true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
