i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
