we're chasing vodka with high fives
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
