Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
