did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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