Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
