I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I can text with my tongue
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Sext me about skeletons
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
