so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
