Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
