I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
