Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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