I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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