I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
