I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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