Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
