Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
