Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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