My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
