i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
