There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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