I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
