3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
