i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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