just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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