i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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