I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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