He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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