I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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