My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
