Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
