I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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