Sry I called you an 8
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just threw up on my dentist
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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